Monday, November 21, 2005
well.. to b honest.. i'm starting to wonder if tis bbq is suppose to happen.. i'm starting to wonder if i shld cancel it.. i'm starting to want to back out.. call everyone up n sae it's cancelled.. my excuse.. i've no moneyy.. due to what? bias-ness.. who cares.. it's not exactly that aniwae.. i dunno.. i just wann ppl to come.. is that too much to ask of? no.. not really.. just kinda sad how tings turned out.. i probably would hv known.. but i jus didn't.. whyy... cos i'm not observant enoughh.. the bbq is suppose to b one ting i'm excited.. happy about.. BUT it's oso the one thing that's causing me to b upset.. i really dunno.. i kinda wanna backout.. but i realli wann ppl to come.. i realli wanna c that i hv friends that wil come.. u won't understand wat i mean.. but yeahh.. i dunno.. i've nv dared to ask.. nv dared to just organise something for fear no one would come.. but now.. that it's all there.. i dunno if i should.. i dunno if i wan to.. i just wondering.. was this bbq one of God's plans? i dunno.. mayb.. mayb not.. i'm kinda just troubled.. i could just simply type it down.. but i dun wan to.. i mean i noe no one realli comes here.. but it's just probably time to take tings the wae i can take it.. n if i can't i can't.. admit defeat.. but.. i dunno.. i realli wish i can go back to the me 2 yrs ago.. but i wanna b the me i am todayy.. what's going on? is it called part of growing up? i dun wanna grow up den.. i wanna b young again.. i wanna b the kid who basically asks for everything she desires without being nagged at due to maturity.. spendthrift.. etc.. i dun nid to get the ting.. i just wanna ask for it.. like everything i see in toy stores.. diamonds.. admire them.. w/o buying them.. playing stuff.. doing tings i alwaes wanted to w/o having to b punished n end up being praised.. wat's going on.. wat's going on.. life moves on.. WE CAN'T CONTROL TIME.. i noe.. haii... just let it pass.. second by second.. i wanna run back in time.. pls.. sorry.. i couldn't do anything to save them.. it's all my fault.. i din keep track as a friend.. i suck when it comes to being friends wit me.. i'm so useless.. now she's gone.. i'm gone.. wateva.. i'm just plain dumb.. dun criticise others but myself.. blame myself bcos tis happens kay.. i just wanna go now.. jus wish me a happy birthday in 2 days.. if i'll ever hav a happy one.. so far in my 14 yrs.. i haven't had a birthday wit my full family ard n me being very happy.. okayy.. mayb a few times.. but the last time would prob b 5 yrs back or mroe.. so wateva.. just hope e bbq cheers me up.. X'(
Monday, November 21, 2005;
